remember?

Each passing day, it seems to be a month not talking to her... so long i would thought but that's how its going to be. 

Today, my friend's birthday. I was reluctant to join them as it was a pretty expensive dinner. But knowing that the food was worth, why not? It isn't always I have such a feast. Sorry no photos. If u really want the photos find me on msn. Thats for friends of mine only who knows me. As I was eating it was fun... but it seems to bring back the past of dinners I had with her. Small dinner big ones, it was so beautiful with her. As we talked, they were talking about her too, my heart tore into pieces still I deny the break up by entertaining their teases. 

Being ignorant to what had happen 14 days ago and treating it as though she was still with me. Food's delicious. Thank God that I do have friends, noisy funny that are willing to talk funnily distracting me although they didn't know.

As I was on the bus, I was so tired. I could hardly move due to the 2 hours of badminton in the afternoon and long walk to the restaurant and back to the bus stop with a full stomach. So I couldn't help but to think back the times in the bus with her. We had so many bus rides, almost uncountable of various events and times of happiness together and an unforgetable event. Does she still remembers it when she sit the bus? or was she always overwhelm with her new found joy with her friends...? I couldn't go on thinking. I close my eyes hopefully to fall asleep.

Is it really over I wonder? where am I suppose to find such love and care from anyone else? Should I just give up? stop thinking anymore. The point is does she still love me? Why would I go on for her if she doesn't anymore. 

take care..

Change

Today's a day for change. The Lord has changed my ways and He blesses me. I will wait upon His coming and learn His word and grow day by day. 

For the one I love on earth let there be a miracle that love is restored, hurts be heal and those who hurt them be forgiven. For great is our God who love us and so am I to do so loving my brothers and sisters. 

I have destroyed my relationship but I will live my life. For if she had love me, she'd chase me too and I would chase her after the day we graduate. Distance shall not be a path to destroy us but let Your love guide us to meet one day.

I have learn to understand ppl around me more especially from the one I love to respect to understand her, as well as my parents as they understood me but I hadn't been understanding them well. I have learn that God you understand me, you treasure me so am I to treasure my parents and my love one and You O Lord.

Help me each day by reminding me of You O Lord, to read your Word and pray for nothing's worth more than you. 

I thank God for her that she had loved me so much and taken care of me. I failed to see that and so I've destroyed it. Let this day onwards, this incident be a time to remind me that she's unique for that's why I love her.

I'd wait for her. Great is our God, I pray that we'll be together in the future. Let Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.

stupidity

my ear hurts the specs is killing my ear... ouch... sigh i miss the times she told me take it off rest a while... i was stubborn... 

i lose my appetite sigh really got no mood to eat. but i had to celebrate someone's birthday. Pretty jealous of them. As I eat i remember the times of me and her... its so saddening... i wonder if she does... when she eat ? mayb not 

I know it sounds stupid that she's not going to be with me but i'm still missing her not moving on... no lor i tried... is just that i love her... is it wrong requesting for more of one's time? mayb being too selfish thats why and blaming her till she felt pressured. I lost... its too late... i'm crying over spilled milk... does anyone understands me? Lord I really need your help.

regret

I regret... this whole life... i regret... I don't have any feelings I'm numb... am I ?

ahhhhh

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH why must u do this to me? I have a test the next two days!!! why I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND... is really the stuff out there more important? If I am there would u find me daily?. would u ? I HATE US... we'd be closer if i was there but we're separated by distance thats why you wouldn't commit..

so it all boils down to our separation. I really should have stopped you from going US... I should and now I lost you... you're not giving ur full to me ...

I want to eat!!

I need to eat! sigh... why i no appetite? the sun's fading but nvr rising. Why? Lord, grant me strength, hope. I want to feel again. 

Give me strong focus... I need them. Get things out where they should not be. I want to go home. i hate US.

Just yesterday, I had a dinner with some church people and yes an expected celebration birthday which i felt very uncomfortable. I too had my face filled with cream for the first time. It wasn't too happy moment having to realise that my birthday resulted and argue and both of us had to hold our relationship. I don't know anymore how to treat her. I don't wish to miss her as I suffered a lot since she's not going to put any effort in this relationship since she not going to love me more than things she have in the stupid US. its painful but what can I do? I cant avoid the dinner. They had an introduction where each one was suppose to tell their name, course and about the person next to me.

I have a fren who found her love here. and it reaches the guy's turn, he was to talk about his girl which was next to him. There goes everyone teasing him saying how sweet are things he is going to say. All listen closely. Thinking again, I too had a dinner last time.

An usher reunion dinner back in m'sia. in a thai restaurant outside a shopping mall. where they tease me and her. What is wrong? The pain rolled in I lucky it did not last long or I'd really go crazy and lose myself. 

God, pls give me strength each day. 

betrayed

I have lost. betrayed by the looks of education. Never knew that allowing her to go to US would betray me in the end. Freedom, life enjoyment value of money so much more than love and relationship, ppl ought to give it up. Sigh, I knew a taste of that changes a lot, shouldn've knew that it would change everything including love. 

Wake up, I was crying out. You have reduce one of your focus and u got other things to do. Wake up from your sleep. She doesn't need u for the moment. She wants her life not you. Her freedom, fun education life US... all. Why do you keep thinking of her... Why? She's turns from real to dream. what a birthday gift... 

talking about birthday. I had fren's who stormed in my room at 3.15 am to celebrate my birthday tho its one day late and they knew it at 12 am. Thanks to them. Here's one of the comments

"Study hard, play hard, think of me hard. Don't think of her so much. LoL." by a guy i tot was bossy. kind heart but a lil annoying at times... Thanks . It was earlier that time at 10 we celebrated his birthday. I got forced eating a vanilla icecream with choc flakes. argh that sucks. in the middle of the nite? and my mouth full of that taste while i go back to sleep ... but I enjoyed it. Now that's a surprise. Wanna know more?

I had a 'fishy' a fren of mine wishing me at 12 something on my birthday and followed by others till next morning all my high schoolmates. Thats surprising and didn't know they would know it.

Last its surprising to know when your loved one thinks that wishing u late in the afternoon is nothing wrong when she, in the day having class okay has 4 hours of time(me waiting at nite). Sigh, really how hard is it just to wish someone through sms? ... And I just dun und why she would give excuses of her class rather than telling me what actually happen. sigh

Thanks my family for the wish for my bro's pic for my parents treat. THanks once again.

I pray for God's strength and love as life proceeds.